Healing
by Effulgent13
Summary: Mark Cohen's sister has been missing for the last three years. She left one year after having showed up at his doorstep unannounced looking for his help. Now she's back. Rachel Cohen is older and wiser and this time Mark's the one who needs her. Can he forgive her for running away and accept the help she's willing to give? More importantly, how does Roger Davis fit into the story?
1. Chapter 1

Healing

**Mark Cohen's sister has been missing for the last three years. She left one year after having showed up at his doorstep unannounced and looking for his help. Now she's back. Rachel Cohen is older and wiser and this time Mark's the one who needs her. He needs her more than he's willing to admit. Can he forgive her for running away and accept the help she's willing to give? More importantly, how does Mark's roommate Roger Davis fit into the story? Read it and find out ;)**

**Chapter 1 **

Mark Cohen walked over to his front door and opened it. He was ready to tell his roommate Roger off for running away on him again. He was tired of his shit and it was after midnight, he and John really needed their sleep.

"Roger what the f-" Mark froze when his eyes landed on the woman standing in front of him. He hadn't seen or heard from her in three years.

"Surprise?" she asked giving him a shy wave of her hand.

"Rachel, what are you doing here?"

She smiled and shrugged. He could only stare. She looked beautiful. Her strawberry blonde hair had grown out into long waves that hung past her shoulders, and her blue eyes looked brighter than he'd remembered them. Funny, he'd always thought she'd be in rough shape the next time he saw her again.

"Well aren't you going to let your little sister in, Marky?"

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts Mark said, "Yeah. Come in, come in."

She pounced on him the minute she was in the door, trapping him in a bear hug. He couldn't contain the laugh that erupted out of him. She'd always been so expressive.

"Whoa Rache, don't squeeze too hard."

She smiled. "Always a wimp."

"That's not- Rachel, what are you doing here?"

"What? A girl can't come and visit her big brother?" Her attempt at nonchalance fell flat when she saw the pointed look he was giving her. "Okay, I heard about John and I wanted to be here to help. I wanted to be here for you."

Her playfulness and banter had been cute, he'd missed her, and while it was sweet of her to come back in his time of need, he just couldn't let her get away with it. She needed to know she couldn't just waltz back into his life and pretend like nothing had ever happened.

"I haven't seen you in three years Rachel! You can't come here and expect everything to be okay. You disappeared one day without a word. Your willingness to help John and I doesn't erase that. I shouldn't have been punished for whatever happened between you and Roger."

He saw the tears in her eyes and he felt badly, but he had to get this out he couldn't let her get away with this; she was old enough to take responsibility for her actions now. No more babying her.

"I'm sorry. You're right. I was young and stupid and naïve, but Mark," she took his hands in hers, "I am so sorry. I should have called. I should have stayed in touch. I let my pride get in the way instead and I acted like a spoiled brat."

He didn't know what to say. He'd expected her to argue like she always did, to blame everyone else. Maybe she had grown up after all.

"I love you, Mark. You're my big brother, please let me help you. Let me be here for you. Forgive me."

He felt his eyes well up. How could he stay angry at his baby sister? Rachel had always been the sweet one. She'd always looked up to him and wanted his attention. That's why she'd shown up at his doorstep the first time. She had quit college and was afraid to tell their parents. She'd shown up looking for his help. She wanted to live like he did. Of course that hadn't been what she'd told him. She had shown up offering her help. _You need someone to help you keep your filming organized. Let me be your intern. Trust me, you won't regret it._ Even then she'd known he had a soft spot for her. Of course he had let her help him. Because he thought it was for college. Even after he found out she wasn't even in college anymore he let her stay on. She had hurt him when she left so abruptly three years ago and he'd realized that he needed her just as much as she'd needed him.

"No one would tell me where you were." He came back to reality and reliving the pain of losing her.

"I didn't tell anyone."

"Was it that bad? Roger never said…" he trailed off because Roger had said. He's told his side of the story though, not hers.

She shook her head, unwilling to talk about it. "Cindy said you'd had a falling out. I think that was my fault and I'm sorry."

"Cindy doesn't know what she's talking about." Their eldest sister had always been a gossip. Yes, he and Roger had stopped speaking after Rachel's disappearance, but they'd had a good talk a week later and he came to understand that the blame didn't fall solely on the rocker. "When did you speak with Cindy? Is that how you found out about John?"

"I bumped into her by accident. It was at a store, I wasn't looking for her. Anyway, I had to make her swear not to tell mom and dad she'd seen me. I'm sure she did anyway." Rachel rolled her eyes and Mark smiled. Their older sister was impossible. "She told me about John and I knew you needed family. I mean Roger's a good friend but…" They both knew Roger wasn't the best in a crisis. "So, can I stay?" she asked in a whisper.

"He still lives here you know." Better to tell her now before she found out on her own. "He took off about a week ago. I haven't seen him since. You know how he is. He's scared. But he'll be back, he always comes back." Roger could come back at any time without warning and he needed to know if she could handle him being there.

She nodded. "I'm here for you Mark."

He smiled ironically. "That's what you said the last time."

She slapped his shoulder. "Shut up."

He pulled her in for a hug. "I missed you, sis. Come on, you can stay in Collins old room."

"What happened to Collins? He didn't-" She covered her mouth in a panic.

Mark pulled her hand away. "Relax, he's fine. He moved out. He has an apartment closer to NYU now."

Rachel visibly relaxed. She'd gotten along well with her brother's roommate and was afraid to have lost someone else because of her stupidity. She let out a little squeal, picked her bag up and followed her older brother to her room.

Once she was settled Mark grabbed the doorknob to leave but she took his hand and held him back. "How is he?"

Mark looked down at his feet. "Okay. He's sleeping."

Rachel gave a gasp. "He's here? Why didn't you tell me? I've been making a ruckus."

He shrugged.

"Mark! When did he come home? I thought he was in the hospital."

"Today. He didn't want to be there anymore. We thought it best for him to be comfortable, be near me when…" He couldn't finish that sentence, not without falling apart and it was late, he needed to sleep.

Rachel hugged him again and he realized how much he needed the comfort. All this time he'd been dealing with this alone. Roger had taken off scared- as always, and he'd been left to carry the burden alone.

Stepping away from their embrace he said, "I'm tired. I'm going to go check on him and go to bed."

She nodded. "Okay, good night Marky."

He smiled at the endearment, gave her hand a squeeze and left.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm looking for a beta. I would love someone who is really good at grammar and punctuation as well as at plot ideas plus description isn't my strong point so I'd love to improve on that. I love to learn and better my writing so having a beta is pretty exciting for me. Please PM me if you're interested. Thanks! Enjoy this chapter as a little more about Rachel's relationship with the Bohemians is revealed.**

**Chapter 2**

She was kept awake by the sound of John's coughing or rather, hacking. He was in bad shape and she couldn't help but feel for her brother. He'd been through this more than once, she knew, but never with someone that he loved so much.

Yes, he'd loved Angel and Mimi but he hadn't shared a bed with them, he hadn't been their partner in everything. They hadn't known his deepest darkest secrets, his hopes, and his fears like John did. Mark didn't let love in very easily so when she'd shown up at his door four years ago, she was happy to see that he'd found someone. She got along with John right away. While Mark had been hesitant about her motives for showing up at his home, John was eager to welcome her in and even helped her get to know the city. He'd become a good friend. Now he was dying, much like everyone around her seemed to be. AIDS didn't leave anyone behind; the disease seemed to envelop everyone and everything she loved. Even those she didn't want to think about.

Where could Roger be? Mark was right, Roger always ran. He could never face anything and it made her angry. How could he have left his best friend to deal with this on his own? She silently prayed that he was alright and not holed up in some crack house shooting up anything he could find. Oh how he infuriated her. He'd been right to kick her out of course, and that made her angrier. She only hoped that if he did come back it wasn't too soon. Telling him that he'd been right was not something she looked forward to.

She must have fallen asleep without realizing because when she opened her eyes the sun was shining brightly. Looking at the clock she saw that it was already past noon. "Oops." She got out of bed and walked out into the apartment. It was quiet and when she looked at the table she saw a note.

_Rachel,_

_Gone out for a bit. Be back later. There's food in the fridge._

_Mark._

Putting the note down Rachel looked around the large apartment. Not much had changed. It was so big, and now with only Mark and John here it must have seemed even larger. She looked from where she stood in the kitchen toward the living room. There was a new couch, a red one where the old one had been. It looked much cushier and inviting than the last one they'd had. Good, maybe Collins had gotten it for them, the old one had too many holes in it and the springs were shot. The apartment was still sparsely decorated; the boys weren't much for owing too much. The bare walls made it look even larger and the high factory style ceilings didn't help the situation much. The roommates had always only wanted the essentials. There was no division between the living room and the kitchen, only the metal table they rarely used to eat their meals. The three bedrooms were quite small with the bulk of the space being in the center room which was always cold. She couldn't complain though, she got to stay here for free and her brother's rent was relatively low thanks to his friend Benny who owned the building. She'd never met Benny, but from what little she'd heard (mostly from Roger) he was a jerk.

She looked toward the window that opened to the fire escape and let out a heavy sigh. She and Roger had had some serious heart to hearts out there. There wasn't much she hadn't told him. She was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of being a teenaged school girl with a crush. She hated that feeling. She'd been so stupid to think he'd cared when he was only looking after his best friend's sister.

She was brought back to reality by the sound of John's coughing. She hadn't seen him yet and was a little nervous to do so. _Man up, Cohen, you've seen this before, _she told herself as she walked over to his door. John had been so vibrant and funny, she didn't want to see him on his death bed. Taking a deep breath she swallowed her fear down and knocked softly on the door.

"Come in," he told her before going into another fit of coughs.

Rachel ran over to him and gave him the cup of water that was on his night table. He drank it down as she rubbed his back and finally he seemed to get control of himself.

"Hey there," he croaked and smiled at her. "I thought I heard your voice last night."

"I'm baaack." She teased.

"It's about time. Roger's been a mess without you."

"I'm not here for Roger. I'm here for you, and Mark."

The look in his eyes said he didn't believe her, but luckily he didn't press on. "I'm glad. We need you too. Aren't you a sight for sore eyes? Lots of changes I see. All of them good."

She smiled widely and turned in a circle so he could admire her. "Thank-you, you're not looking so bad yourself."

It was a lie. The man she had known was gone. John had been beautiful. He'd had a gorgeous body, muscular but not too bulky. He had gorgeous black hair and piercing blue eyes. He'd been modeling off and on when he and Mark had met which had turned Mark off right away. She still didn't know if it had been because of his insecurities or his views on selling out for money, but in the end their connection had won out and John ended up quitting modeling (which he'd only been doing to pay for school) and starring in many of Mark's films.

The man who lay before her now was emaciated, almost skeletal, he had open sores all over his body and he looked so very tired. He'd lost all of his hair and his eyes were dull, but he smiled at her anyway, and that proved to her that John was still there. The body didn't make the man, his spirit was still strong and that's what mattered.

"You lie, but I'll take it. Come, sit down." He patted the space next to him.

She sat down next to him making sure not to hurt him. "I missed you." She leaned her head onto his shoulder. "Does that hurt?"

"No. I missed you too, kiddo. So did your brother."

"I know."

"He was pretty scared for a while there. You could've left a note."

She felt ashamed. "What I did was horrible and bratty. I know that now. I knew it pretty soon after I left, but I couldn't come back John. There were things I needed to do."

"I know. Looks like you did what you had to, and now we have you back. I'm glad. Mark's going to need you, darlin'."

She took his hand and squeezed. "How are you really?"

"I'm okay. I've lived my life, Rache and I'm okay with this. It's better now you're here. You can take care of Marky for me."

She smiled. "I will. I promise I will."

They sat in silence for a bit, enjoying each other's company until John fell asleep. Rachel kissed his cheek and left him to his rest.

"Thanks for taking care of Mark, John. You've been a real blessing in his life." She wiped at her tears and squared her shoulders before exiting the dying man's room.

"Hey, how's he doing? Does he need anything?" Mark was standing in the kitchen putting away groceries when she came out.

"No. He just fell asleep. He's peaceful."

Mark smiled. "He was mumbling about you last night in his sleep. He missed you."

"So he said. He also gave me strict orders to take care of you."

"You don't need to take care of me. I'll be okay."

She walked over to stand next to him and started helping him pull things out of the bags. "I know that Mark, but I'm here anyway. If you need anything you can ask me. I can help."

"What, you mean with money? Since when are you in a position to help financially?"

She shrugged. "I have a little saved up. Funerals can be expensive, so if you need any help, I'm willing to give it."

"I don't need it. Keep it for yourself. I spoke to the pastor at the church today. He's helped us out before, you know. He's willing to help us again. We're good to his church and we donate to it when we can. Anyway, it works out because John can be put to rest with friends. He won't be alone. You know his family disowned him."

She knew. It had been a sad day. John's parents were having trouble accepting his homosexuality but were trying to work through their issues. They even came out to see him and meet Mark. Unfortunately that had been the week John had been diagnosed with HIV and when he gave them the news his parents lost it. They told him they wanted nothing to do with him and that maybe this was God's way of punishing him for his decisions. John was devastated but happy to have his friends there to back him up. So they'd become his surrogate family, Mark, Collins, Roger, Maureen, Joanne and she. It seemed only fitting that his body be placed alongside Mimi and Angel's.

"He'll like that," she told him.

Mark nodded; he was suddenly overcome with sadness and hastily wiped at his tears before she could see them.

"Hey, it's okay," she told him. "You can cry. I know it hurts, you don't have to be brave around me Mark." She took him into his arms and he let out a sob.

"I don't want him to hear me," he choked out. "He needs me to be strong."

"You can't push it all down. Wouldn't it be worse if he thought you didn't care?"

Mark pulled away from her and shook his head. "He knows I care. I've told him and shown him. I won't let him see me fall apart though. He doesn't need that. He needs to know I'll be okay."

"Okay." Rachel knew enough not to push him. He could be as stubborn as her when he wanted to. "So, I know where Collins is these days but what about Maureen and Joanne?" Maybe a change of subject would be best for her brother right now.

"Oh you know, Joanne's busy at the office these days. Her client load has doubled and she's doing a lot of Pro Bono work. "And you know Maureen, she's still Mo." He let out a laugh as he thought of the Performance Artist's last stunt. "She tried to form a protest in front of Joanne's office building. That started World War Three between them. Really, it was hard to watch but so funny at the same time."

Rachel laughed too. She could picture the couple's fight. Joanne had a good head on her shoulders but Maureen was the only one who made her lose it, and very often. She didn't understand how the two stayed together as long as they did.

They really loved each other. She envied them. "Do they come by often? To see John?"

Mark looked down again. "They swing by when they have the time. Like I said, Joanne's work has picked up and Maureen's doing a play."

"Really?" It was surprising to her that Maureen had landed a role in a play and that she'd let that get in the way of being with a friend in his time of need. Joanne too, it was very unlike her.

"They've seen so much death." It was as if he'd read her mind. "I don't blame them. A person can only take so much."

"Oh Mark." She really needed to be there for him. It seemed as though everyone had abandoned him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Her contemplation of Mark's loneliness was interrupted by the slam of the door.

"Guess whose back bitches!" Collins glided in with a huge smile on his face.

His smile faded as soon as he saw the expressions on their faces. "Rachel Cohen is that you? Well I'll be damned, we thought you were dead! Come here girl, and give old Collins a hug."

She couldn't help from smiling even through her sadness. Tom Collins had the power to bring happiness into any room he entered. She ran to him and allowed herself to be engulfed in his massive embrace.

"Well, well, well, look at you. More beautiful than ever and all grown up too." Her old friend spun her around in a circle as he took in her svelte look right along with her long hair. He stopped her mid spin and placed his hands on either side of her face. "You gave us a scare. All hell broke loose for a while here before we realized you'd pulled a Roger." He laughed loudly at his dig then turned serious. "I know you needed to some things though. I get it. You wanted to grow up on your own and I see that you did. Maybe you did a little more growing than you'd intended?" The last question was asked in a whisper.

Her smile faded and she turned toward Mark, but Collins turned her back to face him. "Lena was a good friend."

Rachel nodded but made her way back to her brother, this wasn't something she was ready to talk about.

"So, what else did I miss?" Collins asked. "I leave for a week and the whole world turns upside down."

"Roger left the day after you did, actually. I haven't heard from him. John took a turn for the worse, he doesn't have much time left. I brought him home. He's sleeping." Mark's tone was very matter of fact. He didn't seem at all affected by the turn of events.

"Christ!" Collins sat on the couch and covered his face with his hands. "That's a lot of shit for one week. Jon seemed stable when I left. I was sure he was on the mend. How are you doing Cohen?"

Mark shrugged. "I'm okay."

"And John?"

"He's okay too. Better than I thought he'd be after we got the news."

"Why didn't you call me, Mark? I would have come back. It's so typical for Roger to up and leave you. I'm a little pissed at him."

"You and David were having a good time. I didn't want to interrupt that." Collins didn't believe his friend's excuse. "Don't be mad at Roger. This is how he handles things. He'll be back at some point, I'm sure."

"You're too forgiving, Cohen."

"Oh hey, who is this David and when did you fall back in love? I was sure you'd turned into a monk." Rachel didn't want to hear about Roger anymore, so she changed the subject.

Collins let out a lighthearted chuckle. "See what you miss out on when you run away from your troubles, my dear?" Rachel rolled her eyes and Collins smiled wider. He loved getting under her skin. "David is a great guy and a fellow professor at NYU. He's made me very happy and we are indeed in love."

"I'm so happy for you!" Rachel gave a little jump and clapped before she quickly remembered herself and turned serious again.

"Thanks, baby girl I am too." Collins eyes turned toward Mark who had the hint of a smile on his face. He looked tired too, his shoulders slumped and it was as though he'd aged ten years in just a few days. He looked like he was barely holding it together. Collins was glad Rachel had found her way back. Mark had always had a soft spot for her, and maybe she'd help him get through everything that was coming his way. "Do you think John's up for visitors? I'd like to see him."

"He had just fallen asleep when I left his room a few minutes ago," Rachel explained.

Collins looked at Mark and said, "Would it be okay if I checked in on him? I just want to see how he's doing."

Mark nodded. "Yeah, I was going to check on him in a few minutes. You go ahead. He'll be glad to see you if he wakes up."

"Thanks, man."

Collins made his way in to see John leaving Mark and Rachel in each other's company again. There was an awkward silence between the two before Rachel blurted out what had been on her mind since she'd returned.

"Do you think Roger's okay? I mean, you haven't heard from him in a week. I just hope he's not holed up somewhere shooting himself up with that junk."

Mark gave her a surprised look, he'd never heard her talk like that, but he shook his head. "I don't know. I don't think he's doing that though. He did slip up a while ago. When you left."

Rachel's mouth fell open but she quickly closed it. What did she expect? This was Roger. He was an addict.

"It was only for a few days I think. He disappeared for a bit then showed up all strung out. I was able to talk some sense into him though, and he started going to meetings after that. He'd been going up until he left again."

"Maybe he's not using then. Maybe he just can't be around all of this, you know?" Mark nodded but he looked worried. "Hey," she walked over to him and placed her hand on his. "He's okay, I'm sure."

"That's not what I'm worried about." She looked at him and she understood what he was saying.

"I'm not going anywhere, Mark. I'm here for you as long as you need me, I promise."

Collins emerged some time later. It took him a minute to compose himself before approaching Mark and Rachel who were sitting on the couch in quiet conversation.

"His spirits are high," he announced as he walked toward them.

They both smiled at him. "They really are. He's a great man," Rachel said as she looked at Mark who nodded in agreement.

"So, I meant to tell you that I called Maureen and Joanne and told them I was back. They'd like us all to get together. Would that be okay with you Mark? We can hang here if you don't want to leave John." Collins felt that they all needed something to lighten the mood. Maybe a little get together would do the trick.

"I don't know, Collins." Mark shook his head.

"Come on, it'll be fun. You need a little distraction and we can stay here so you can keep an eye on John." Rachel batted her eyes at him hoping her trick would work.

Mark smiled and rolled his eyes. "I know what you're doing."

"Is it working?"

He ignored her and looked at Collins. "Okay, they can come over. But they can't stay too late."

"Yes!" Both Mark and Collins looked at her. "What? I'm excited to see them."


	4. Chapter 4

**More reunions in this chapter. Rachel gets to see Maureen and Joanne again. I think I should warn you in advance in case you haven't already picked up on it, this is a sad story. I hope things start to look up soon but I can't say because I'm just letting my muse guide me. I hope it's good enough to keep your interest though. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

An hour later the door slammed open once again.

"Holy shit it is true! Look pookie, it's Rachel. She's back!"

Rachel who'd been standing by the kitchen counter talking to Collins found herself engulfed in Maureen's arms.

"I can't believe it. I didn't think we'd ever see you again." Rachel looked at Joanne who stood next to Collins and gave her a pleading look.

"Okay honey bear, maybe you should let her breathe now." Joanne took one of Maureen's arms and pulled her away.

"I'm just so happy to see her. Aren't you?" Maureen looked at Joanne then turned back to Rachel. "We all thought you were dead when we couldn't find you. Roger was a mess but he deserved it, that fucking ass. You shouldn't have let him run you off like that."

Rachel's eyes opened wide. "You knew?"

"Of course we knew honey, you weren't very good at hiding it. Plus, he admitted it after about a month of you not being here. Some of us pretended to be shocked." She looked at Joanne as she spoke. "The rest of us told him we already knew and that we thought he was an idiot for letting you go."

Rachel's eyes got teary. She didn't know these people cared so much. Sure, they'd been friends to her but she had always thought that when it came down to her and Roger, they'd always choose him. Joanne took pity on the girl and hooked her arm through Maureen's in order to turn her toward Collins.

"So, how was your romantic getaway, professor?"

Collins smiled and gave the girls a hug. "I don't kiss and tell, ladies. But we did have a good time."

"And where is David now?"

"On his way. He had to run to the office and tie up some loose ends. He'll be here soon."

"And how are you, Marky?" Maureen walked over to the couch where Mark sat and plopped down next to him leaning her head on his shoulder. "How's John doing?"

Mark smiled weakly at her. "He's not good, Mo."

"What? But he seemed fine the last time we saw him."

"That was almost two weeks ago. He took a turn for the worse this week. He doesn't have much time left."

Maureen didn't know how to deal with the news so she stood up and walked to Joanne for support. "Oh, Mark. We're so sorry." Joanne apologized not only for what was happening but for her and Maureen's complete lack of presence during it.

"I know. He's here though. Maybe you guys can go in and say hi. He's obviously not up for joining us but maybe we can hang out with him for a bit."

Maureen turned wide eyes at Joanne, this wasn't something she wanted to do, but Joanne took her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Absolutely. We'd love to see him," she said.

"Okay. Let me just make sure he's up for it." Mark stood up and made his way to he and John's room.

"Oh my God." Maureen sat down on a chair. "How did things get so bad? Honestly, we just saw John and he was fine."

Joanne placed her arm around her girlfriend's shoulder. "We haven't seen him in almost two weeks, honey bear."

"I saw him right before I left last week and he was fine." Collins said.

"Mark said this just happened. How could you guys have known? The important thing is that we be here for him now." Rachel looked at all of them and although she knew Maureen and Joanne had been guilty of not being friends to Mark, she couldn't say anything because she'd been gone for three years. She'd be the one to win the horrible friend and sister trophy.

"What made you come back?" Maureen asked.

Rachel shrugged. "I ran into Cindy and she mentioned that John was sick. I wanted to be here for Mark."

Maureen shared a look with Joanne; they knew there was more to her story than she was letting on. "Come on Rache, you can't expect us to believe that."

"What do you mean?"

Maureen opened her mouth to voice her suspicions just as Mark walked out of his room. "Okay guys, he says he'd love to see you. Just you know, don't bee too rowdy." The last sentence was directed at Maureen as he looked directly at her.

"I don't know what you're implying Mark. I can be quiet when I need to be." She defended.

Collins and Joanne had to laugh at the drama queen's comment. "What?" she asked. "It's true. I can be. Pookie!" she yelled at Joanne who only laughed harder. "Whatever. Let's just go." She crossed her arms and marched toward the bedroom.

John smiled when he saw her come in, guns blazing. "Good to see you, Mo. What's got your panties in a twist?"

She was taken aback by his appearance. He'd changed so drastically since the last time she'd seen him. Could this have happened in just two weeks? "Oh, John, I'm so sorry." She couldn't stop the tears that came as she practically threw herself at the sick man.

John winced at the weight of her but wrapped his arms around her anyway. He knew Maureen needed to be reassured that he was oaky. "Sh, sh, don't cry doll face. It's okay."

"Maureen get off of him." Mark walked in right behind her and pulled her off his boyfriend. "What's wrong with you? Can't you see he's weak?"

John smiled at his overprotective boyfriend. "It's okay Mark. She didn't hurt me."

"Hi John, how are you?" Joanne walked in and gently leaned in to place a soft kiss on her friend's cheek.

"Good, great now that you're here."

"Just her?" Maureen pouted.

"Shut up, Mo you know he means all of us." Collins walked in laughing with his arm wrapped around Rachel.

Rachel smiled at Maureen and was happy to see her smile back. She knew her friend's constant jabbing at her sometimes upset her more than she let on.

"Where's the party?" A tall olive skinned man asked as he walked into the room.

"David! You're back." Collins immediately let go of Rachel and kissed his boyfriend hello.

"Well, it's good to know where I stand." Rachel put a hand on her hip but couldn't hold back her smile. It was good to see Collins in a relationship.

"You know you're my girl Rachel," he reassured. "I would like you to meet, David Connelly."

Rachel smiled and shook David's hand. He looked good, very handsome. He was slightly taller than Collins, which made him a giant in her book; he had wide shoulders and great posture. His hair was dark and shaggy and he wore a corduroy blazer with a collared shirt and jeans. His smile was as contagious as Collins'; he had the same happiness about him. "I'm so happy to meet you," she told him.

"Like wise." His handshake was firm and she was surprised when he pulled her in for a hug. "I've heard great things about you, Rachel Cohen. So much that I was a little jealous for a bit."

Rachel looked at Collins in shock. She continued to be surprised at how much more loved she was than she'd thought.

"Excuse me, but I thought this little get together was about me." John interrupted.

"Okay, Maureen, we'll pay attention to you," Mark joked.

"Hey!" Maureen piped up but then changed her mind. It was good that Mark was joking around.

They all gathered around John's bed, shared jokes and laughed. They tried to keep the mood light but they all knew what was coming. John would be gone soon and they'd all have yet another gap left in their hearts.

"Okay guys, John's tired. He needs to sleep. Let's say goodnight and get out of here." Mark had a smile on his face as he said this and the look he gave John was one full of love.

They all said their goodbyes and left the room. "Take care of him," John whispered in Rachel's ear as she kissed him goodnight, "and Roger too. I know you may not want to, but he's going to need help with Mark. Just be there for both of them."

Rachel nodded. "I will, I promise. Good sleep, John."

He nodded and she knew that he would be gone sooner than she'd thought.


	5. Chapter 5

**I see you that people are reading this story and I'm so happy about that, but no one is reviewing =(. What do you think? Do you like it? Is it horrible? What can be improved? I live for constructive criticism, please, don't hold back. (well, maybe hold back a little and be nice.) Let me know how you feel. Here we go!**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

That night after everyone had left, Rachel sat on the couch trying to read a book. Mark had gone to be with John, but she couldn't seem to shut her brain off. John's words kept playing over and over in her head. He'd asked her to take care of both Mark and Roger. Mark wouldn't be a problem, he was her brother, it was her job to take care of him, but Roger? Asking her to take care of Roger was a tall order. She wasn't sure if she'd be able to handle seeing him again much less take care of him. _Damn it John! _She couldn't say no to a dying man's wish, but Roger didn't need to be taken care of! This wasn't even about him. _Damn it! _

She gave a little jump when the front door slid open and she looked up to see Roger come in. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as he looked at her, shock clearly written on his face.

"Roger." She tried to sound calm and unaffected but knew she'd failed miserably.

"Rachel. Is that you? You're back." He walked in and shut the door behind him.

She took in his usual ripped up jeans, leather jacket and scuffed up boots. God but she'd missed him, she realized as the little flutter around her heart that she was sure she'd beaten down came back with a vengeance. He'd let his hair grow out, the once blonde highlights were now a chocolate brown. He carried his guitar on his back and this was something new to her. He'd never paid attention to it when she was around.

"I thought Mark might need me." She managed to say through her slight panic attack. _When did it get so hot in here?_ she wondered as she wiped her sweaty palms on her thighs.

He walked closer to her; he needed to be sure he wasn't imagining things. "You're here."

Rachel nodded. "For Mark."

He got the hint. She wasn't here for a big reunion. "He does need you. He's not as strong as he pretends to be."

There was silence between them for a minute then at the same time they said, "You look good."

They both laughed nervously. "You grew your hair out." He observed. She'd changed quite a lot, actually. Her hair was longer, she was thinner (maybe a little too thin) and she looked older; more grown up. She carried herself with more confidence. She stood straighter and she looked good.

"So did you."

"Yeah, haircuts can get expensive. I always thought yours would look nice long though. I was right." He smiled brightly at her and she couldn't stand it.

That smile was so rare in him. It reminded her of the past, and so she looked down at her shoes as she tucked her hair back behind her ear. "Thanks."

Silence again.

Looking back up at him she said, "Look Roger, I hope its okay that I'm here."

"Yes, of course. Why wouldn't it be?"

"I just, I don't want things to be awkward between us."

"No."

"Because you were right that night." She let out a deep breath, here was the apology she had been dreading. "I was young and naïve and well, we had no business together. So, I'm okay with that. I get it now. I hope we can be okay."

"Rachel that night I didn't –" How could he explain his regret? She would have been good for him but he'd been scared and he'd fucked up, but this was not the time. She had come back for Mark and he wasn't about to run her off again. "We're good. Don't worry about it."

She smiled. "Good."

Another awkward silence. "How is he? John, I mean."

"He's here. Mark brought him home, he didn't want to leave him in the hospital."

"Yeah, I get that."

"He doesn't have much longer, Roger. Mark will be glad you're here."

Suddenly Roger didn't know where to look. "I think it's great you're here for him. You two have a good bond."

_Typical _"Yeah, okay. Well I'm going to go to bed. It's pretty late." She turned toward her room.

"Rachel!"

"Yeah?" She turned toward him wearily. She really didn't want any more of his avoidance bullshit.

"I'm really glad you're back."

"Thanks. Good night."

She left Roger alone to brood over his past and present mistakes.

* * *

"Rachel, wake up!"

"Huh?" She came to a sitting position and stared at the blur standing at her door. "Wha?"

"It's Mark. He needs you." It was Roger; he'd walked into her room and caught her mid sleep with her hair all tangled and possible drool on her chin.

It took her a minute to string his words together. "John!" She stood up from the bed and grabbed her bathrobe then rushed past Roger and toward Mark's room.

She found her brother sitting on the bed with John's head on his lap. He was crying silently and whispering to him. "Don't go, just stay a little bit longer. I'm not ready yet."

Rachel walked over to him and looked at John. His face was pale and she was sure he'd already passed on. "Mark, can I check his pulse?"

Mark looked at her through red rimmed eyes. "You don't have to. He's gone. He said goodbye, told me he loved me and left."

Rachel turned to see that Roger had followed her and was standing at the door. "I'll call an ambulance," he offered.

She nodded her thanks and turned her attention back to Mark. "Do you want to go out in the living room and wait for the paramedics with me?"

He shook his head. "I'd like to stay with him."

"Okay, I'll just be out there if you need me." She understood, he needed to say his goodbyes.

Rachel sat on the couch and waited. She fought against the tears that threatened to fall, this was not the time to break down, she had to be strong for her brother. Why did everyone around her have to die?

"You okay?" She was taken aback by Roger's words. "You can cry if you want."

She shook her head and pushed to the side when he took a seat next to her. "The paramedics will be here soon."

She nodded. "I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon."

"Yeah, I'm glad I came home when I did."

She gave him a shocked look. "What?" he asked. "He's my best friend. I want to be here for him too."

Rachel shook her head. "Sorry, I just- I don't know."

"I know what he must have said, that I ran away because I was scared but-"

He was interrupted by a knock on the door. He let out a big sigh. "They're here."

Whatever he was about to say was forgotten with the process of letting John go.


	6. Chapter 6

**Still no comments =( I'll try to keep writing though it's getting a little harder without knowing if it's good or bad so please let me know. **

**Here's a little bit of interaction between Mark and Roger and slightly less between Roger and Rachel. Enjoy! **

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**Chapter 6**

When they returned from the hospital Mark was completely silent and refused to make eye contact with anyone. He sat on the couch and stared into his bedroom. Rachel sat next to him trying to think of something to say that would help him out.

"Hey," she placed her hand on his and gave him her warmest smile. "Do you want some tea? It might help you relax a little."

He didn't answer, so she stood up and went into the kitchen to make it for him anyway. Roger followed her in and standing behind her put his hand just below her elbow as she was placing the tea kettle on the stove making her give a jump.

"Sorry." He looked apologetic. "I just— do you any need help?"

"No. Could you just sit with Mark?"

"Sure."

"Roger?"

Her voice was shaky and he knew she was exhausted. He also knew that she wasn't about to let any of that get in the way of her taking care of Mark.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want some?" She pointed at the tea kettle.

"No, but you should have some. It'll help you sleep tonight."

She looked at him and shook her head. "Oh I'm not –"

"Yes, you are. How do you plan on staying strong for him if you don't sleep?"

"But—"

"There are two of us here, Rache. We can take turns sitting with him. Don't argue with me. You know I'm right."

She saw that it would be useless to argue. He did have a point; she would need all of her strength in the coming days. "Okay."

"Thanks." He gave her that wonderful smile of his, and then went to be with Mark.

Twice in one night he'd given her that smile or was it morning already? It didn't matter, he hadn't been back a full twenty four hours and he'd already given her that smile twice. _Stay strong Cohen, stay strong. _She let out a deep breath and finished preparing Mark's tea. Once it was ready she brought it to him along with her own cup. Roger was sitting next to him both boys looking ahead in silence.

"Here, sit down." Roger stood up when he saw her letting her take his place.

"Thanks." She turned toward her brother and watched from the corner of her eye as Roger sat on the recliner across from them. "Here Mark, I made you some tea."

The filmmaker looked at her as if just now realizing she was there. He took the tea and continued looking forward. "I can't go in there," he said nodding toward his bedroom.

"Of course not. You can sleep in my room if you're tired. I'll take the couch." She offered.

"Absolutely not." Roger piped in. "I'll take the couch. Mark, you can take my room."

Mark shook his head. "I'm not tired. But thanks."

They sat together in silence until all three finally fell asleep. Rachel's head was on Mark's shoulder, her hand holding his, trying to give him all of the strength she could. After a while Roger's eyes fluttered open, and he slowly remembered where he was and all the sadness that came along with it. He looked at the couch and saw the siblings were still asleep, but they didn't look comfortable. Feeling badly for both of them he got up, lifted Rachel into his arms and walked her to her room where he tucked her into bed. She really needed to get some sleep.

"I'm glad you're here." He whispered. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again. I'm going to make things right between us, I promise."

When he walked back into the living room, he sat back down on the recliner and watched Mark sleep. Poor Mark, he'd walked out on him when he needed him the most. Thank goodness Rachel had shown up when she did. She was pissed at him though, and with good reason, but she didn't understand why he'd left. His reasons weren't completely selfish this time. He'd needed to get out before he made things worse. It was better to have left and caused a little damage than to have stayed and ruined his friendship with his roommate.

"Where've you been?" Mark's groggy voice interrupted his thoughts. He sat up on the couch and rubbed his eyes then looked around for his glasses.

"I needed to take care of something before it got out of hand. I went to rehab." Roger picked the glasses up off the table and gave them to his friend.

"Thanks."

"I didn't want to leave when I did but –"

"I get it. You need to take care of yourself. I'm not mad."

"Rachel is." He was really upset that she was angry. She hadn't told him as much, but he knew her well enough to read between the lines.

"Tell her. You're an addict and you needed some help so you went to rehab for a bit. It's no big deal, she already knows you struggle with this. I think she'll be happy that you got help instead of doing what you always do."

"You mean fuck up?"

Mark gave him a small smile. "Well, yeah. I owe you an apology too though. I thought you ran and I told her you did."

Roger shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I'm sorry about John. I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye."

"He went peacefully. He was ready. He wasn't angry at you Roger, if that's what you think. He knew you were dealing with things in your own way."

"But still, I should have said something."

"It's okay, really."

Roger nodded. With the air now cleared between them they went back to sitting in silence. Roger observed his friend and saw how much he'd suffered in the last week. He looked exhausted and his guilt at leaving him set in again.

"I'm going to miss him." Mark finally spoke again. "How did you live through losing Mimi? It hurts so much."

"It's not easy. It'll hurt for a while, but I had you to help me through and now I'm here for you."

"Thanks, that's good to know."

There was another bout of silence before Mark spoke again. "She's different isn't she?"

"Who?" Roger gave him a confused look.

"My sister. She's more grown up somehow. I know it's been three years, she's twenty one now, but she doesn't look like I expected."

"She's too skinny." Roger couldn't keep the worry out of his voice.

"She looks good, skinny yes, but she doesn't look like she was living on the streets. She's sad and I don't know if it's because of me or John or if it's something else."

"There's definitely something different about her." Roger agreed.

There was silence again as they ran out of conversation. Then Mark scratched his throat.

"I'm going to go talk to the pastor at St. John's," he announced.

"Is that where you're going put him?" Roger asked. Mark nodded. "He'll like that. You want me to go with you?"

"No. I'd like to be alone for this."

Roger had to admit, Mark was doing much better than he'd been when Mimi had died. He hadn't even been able to get out of bed. Mark had done all the funeral arrangements instead of him.

Once he was gone Roger was left alone with his thoughts, which only seemed to be about Rachel. She was back. He'd been given a second chance and he planned on taking advantage of it. He had to let her know how he felt and how incredibly regretful he was about the way he'd treated her and the things he'd said. But when would be a good time to do it? He didn't want to walk all over Mark and he knew his friend needed his sister now more than ever. _I'll just have to wait. I just hope I'm not too late._

There was nothing more to say. The two friends had hashed things out so now they sat and took in everything that had happened.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank- you so much for reading! I'd like to hear your thoughts and ideas too please. Let me know what you think and where you think this story is going. I'd love to hear from you =)**

**A little bit of sadness and angst in this chapter. Sorry, it's going to be sad for a bit.**

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**Chapter 7**

On the morning of the funeral Mark awoke with a void in his heart, it literally ached and he could see no end to the pain. Today he would lay his partner and lover to rest, yet another person to add to the list.

When he walked into the kitchen he tried to smile at Rachel when she turned from the stove and handed him a cup of coffee but it wasn't in him, he couldn't do it.

"Thanks," he told her as he took it. "I want to go to the church by myself today." He hadn't meant to tell her right away, he'd just been up all night thinking about it and it was the first thing that came to mind.

"What? Why? Mark, I should be there with you. It's not easy seeing…" she trailed off when she found herself getting choked up.

He placed his hand on her shoulder, "Hey, it's okay. I only want a few minutes for just the two of us."

"Will you be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be okay." He gave a decisive nod to show her that he would be fine. He just needed to be alone with John one last time.

"Okay." She leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Call me if you need anything, I'll run right over."

"I will. I'm going to go shower now."

She nodded and watched him go. He seemed to be okay, sad, but okay. She, however, wasn't okay. She'd stayed up all night thinking of what the day's events would bring and she became more and more depressed with each hour. She didn't want to do this anymore, didn't want to bury anymore people she loved, yet here she was burying another friend.

"Morning."

Once again Roger's presence made her jump. "Stop doing that!" She turned and immediately felt badly when she looked at the guilt on his face. "Sorry. It's just that you keep taking me by surprise."

"Are you okay?" he asked taking in her tears and the dark circles under her eyes.

"As well as can be expected,"

"Is he up yet?"

"Yeah. He's in the shower. He said he wants to go to the church on his own."

"Really? Is that wise? "

She shrugged. "He wants some time alone with John, before everyone gets there."

"I get that. He should go. If it'll help him then he should do it."

"Yeah."

"We can walk there together then. I really don't want to go on my own. That place brings back bad memories, you know?"

How could she say no to that? He knew what he was doing and it wasn't fair. "Yeah, I know. I'll walk with you."

"Thanks. You want to sit and have some coffee?"

"Sure, okay." She nodded and watched as he stepped in front of her and began preparing two cups of coffee.

She followed him to the table and sat down in front of him. "This is really good, Roger. When did you learn to make coffee?"

"I've always known how to make coffee."

"Bullshit."

Roger lifted his eyebrows, shocked by her language.

"Sorry. I'm tired. But seriously, your coffee was always crap before."

"That's not true!"

"Whatever. You're entitled to your opinion. Thanks, for making it though."

"Can I ask you something?"

She shrugged. "Sure."

"Where did you go?"

She knew it was coming she just wasn't ready to tell him but there was no way out of it now. "Buffalo."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"You've been in New York all this time?"

"Yes."

Roger was about to say something when Mark walked out of the shower. "I'm going to get dressed and head out guys," he announced.

"How you holding up?" Roger asked.

"I'm okay. I'll see you guys later." Mark walked past them and into his room.

Roger turned his attention back to Rachel. "Is it okay if we talk about something else? I really don't want to talk about where I was right now." Her eyes teared up again and Roger knew enough not to push her.

"Yeah, okay. How 'bout them Yankees?" He smiled for her benefit but was worried about her. Somehow he didn't think her tears had anything to do with Mark's loss.

* * *

They walked toward the church in silence. This really wasn't an occasion for chatting; they both walked and hoped that they'd be able to keep it together for Mark. Rachel clutched her jacket close trying to stay warm, but they were walking against the wind and it was freezing out. She was concentrating on not biting her tongue with her chattering teeth when she felt Roger's warm coat over her.

"Thanks, but you need it more than I do." She tried to take it off and give it back to him but he shook his head and denied it.

"Roger, you could get sick!"

"It's okay. I'll be fine. You need to stay warm."

She smiled and nodded at him then kept walking. There was no use arguing, especially in this cold.

"I thought I'd lost you."

"What?" She turned to him confused, his question came out of nowhere and it stopped her in her tracks.

Roger silently cursed himself for telling her this now, but he needed to get it out. It was a miracle he'd been able to keep it in so long. "We were frantic, and I was sure they'd find you lying in a ditch somewhere. I knew I'd driven you out and that made it so much worse."

"I should have left a note." It was a pitiful excuse and she knew it, but it was all she could offer him.

"A note! We deserved more than just a note." He yelled at her and knew he shouldn't have, but he was beyond any self-control at this point. She needed to know how they'd felt when she left.

"Roger, this isn't the time."

"Mark just lost the man he loved and that wasn't his or our first loss. Rachel, our lives are filled with death and when I thought you'd died I thought I was done."

Rachel didn't know what to say. After all this time, the truth was coming out and all she could do was stare.

"I was wrong to turn you away. You were the only good thing in my life and I chased you away."

"Don't!" She couldn't hear it, not now that it didn't matter anymore.

He took her hand. "Rachel, listen to me. I'm telling you that I love you."

"I don't want your love!" she snapped.

How dare he? To tell her after all this time, after all the shit she'd gone through. Did he actually think she'd let it all go and welcome him with open arms? Roger dropped her hands. He hadn't been expecting her to snap like this.

"I can't believe you'd choose today to tell me that." She was full of anger and it was invigorating to feel something other than sadness. "How incredibly selfish of you. I don't know why I'm surprised though. This is typical Roger Davis behavior. Do me a favor, Roger and leave me alone. Don't talk to me, don't even look at me for the rest of the day okay?"

Roger stood in a state of shock. He didn't recognize the girl in front of him, but he managed to nod at her anyway. He stood and watched as she walked away leaving him completely dumbstruck and wondering what had happened to her in the three years she'd been gone to make her so full of anger. It couldn't have been all because of him, could it have?


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

She held his hand at the funeral not once letting go, showing him she would be his rock. She would be his mother and father because they were too close minded to be there for him when he needed them the most. Mark smiled his thanks to he,r but was unable to say anything. She understood; she'd been there too.

Roger would smile and nod at her whenever she looked his way. She was glad he knew enough not to bother her in the midst of Mark's ordeal. She respected that he'd known enough to stay away after their argument on the way there.

She was the one to walk her brother home when it was over. Maureen, Joanne and Collins had decided to give him some space before they all came to the loft after the funeral. He didn't talk much and they didn't press him because they too were overwhelmed with sadness. Afterwards, when everyone had gone home for the night, Mark stood and stared at the door.

"Hey man, how about a shot?" Roger walked up to him and asked.

Mark nodded dumbly. "Three shots it is!" Roger continued on with his happy charade. "What'll it be, vodka or tequila? What do you say Rache?"

"I think it's a tequila night. Right Mark?" She looked at her brother for a response but all he did was nod again.

Roger served the shots and the three of them settled down on the couch to drown their sorrows for the night.

* * *

After his third shot, Mark decided to call it a night. "Thanks guys. I'm going to try and sleep. It's been a long day." He looked into his bedroom then back at Roger. "Rog, you mind if I—" He gestured toward his friend's bedroom.

"No, of course not man. Go ahead, I don't mind the couch."

Mark nodded, picked his glasses up off the table and went to bed.

Roger waited until his door was shut before turning and looking at Rachel. "Talk to me," he told her.

"Excuse me?"

"You've had four shots and a beer, that's not like you, you don't drink. Something's obviously bothering you so talk to me."

"I have nothing to talk to you about."

"What about what happened this morning on the way to the funeral?"

The alcohol she'd consuned seemed to suddenly fuel her anger and she lashed out at him. "There's nothing to say about this morning. You were a selfish asshole and I called you out on it."

"I was a selfish asshole?" Roger pointed at himself incredulously. "I told you how I felt! What's wrong with you Rachel? Why are you being like this?"

"Like what?" Now her head was starting to spin a little. Maybe the outburst hadn't been a good idea.

"You're being a bitch. This isn't you."

"Don't presume to know me, Roger. It's been years. A lot has happened, I'm not the same girl I was before."

"I see that. Talk to me Rachel. What happened to you?" His eyes were full of concern and she couldn't shake the feeling she always got when he looked at her like that, so she started crying. She couldn't help herself; the tears just came out right along with the sobbing and hiccupping. It was embarrassing.

"Hey, hey, come here." He couldn't stand to watch her cry. He edged closer to her and allowed her to fall into his arms. "Sh, it's okay."

"I'm drunk," she told him. "Look at me, I'm a mess."

He smiled. She was sobbing into his shoulder and he barely understood a word she'd said, but at least she was allowing him to hold her. "Tell me Rache, why are you crying? This isn't about John is it?"

She shook her head and pulled away. "It's nothing Roger. The lack of sleep is making me nuts."

"Rachel—"

"I'm tired, I think I'm going to go to bed."

She tried to stand up, but lost her balance and fell onto his lap. She looked into his eyes and froze. Roger had always been an open book, his feelings were always written in his eyes and now they were filled with concern for her. She felt his hand on her cheek and as he wiped a tear off her face she felt herself inching closer toward him until her lips hovered over his.

"Why won't you talk to me?" he asked in a whisper.

His question brought her back to her senses and she stood up quickly. "I'm going to bed. Keep your eye out for Mark please. Make sure he sleeps okay."

"Rachel, please…"

"Goodnight." She turned and left before she could hear him protest anymore.

Once again, Roger was left sitting on the couch wondering what had just happened.

* * *

When Rachel had come to New York for the first time she'd been bright eyed and looking for adventure. She was fascinated by Mark and his friends especially their lifestyle. Roger had been attracted to her innocence and her honesty, her looks hadn't hurt either. She was eighteen and her figure was fuller than it was now, curvier. Her hair was chin length and wavy and she found him to be the most interesting of the bohemians. Rachel had been much more upbeat and cheerful in those days. They became fast friends. He'd told her about himself, including his struggle with drugs and his relationship with Mimi. These weren't things he talked to anyone about, but she was so approachable that he bared himself open to her. She told him all about herself too, about her hopes and dreams and he had loved her at once. He couldn't tell her that of course, he hadn't even realized it at the time.

Now she was a closed book. She was falling apart and wouldn't even tell him why. She was always crying and he knew that there was a reason for her to cry, John and she had become close, but they'd only known each other for a year. There had to be something else going on. There had to be a way to get her to talk to him again. If she wouldn't accept his love, maybe she'd accept his friendship.

* * *

**hmmm... let me see, I still haven't gotten any reviews. Should I hold the next chapter hostage until I get one? Something to think about... **


	9. Chapter 9

**Okay, so I realize that holding this story hostage for reviews isn't going to work =( I do see that people are reading and that's good too so, here's chapter 9. Feel free to critique it by reviewing or just keep on reading. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

She avoided him like the plague. She left the room whenever he came in, making up some excuse as to why she had to leave. Ever since they'd shared those shots she refused to think about him or how it felt to be in close proximity to any part of him. She didn't think about how close his lips had come to hers or how wonderful it felt to have his arms wrapped around her. She didn't want to think about the way she'd made a huge ass of herself in front of him and almost revealed too much. No, these were things she didn't think about when she lay alone in bed at night. These were definitely not the thoughts that kept her awake at night.

* * *

"Where's Rachel? I haven't seen her since John's funeral." Maureen asked Roger one day as the group sat around a table at The Life Café.

"Where's Mark?" Collins added. "I haven't seen him either."

"I'm not worried about Mark," Maureen told him. "He just lost someone very important, it's normal for him to be hiding. It's Rachel I'm worried about. Did you break her again, Roger?"

"What?" Roger knew this was coming. Of course it would be his fault if Rachel started acting weird. He knew there would be an attack on him soon enough, but that didn't make it any easier to handle. "I didn't do anything. Maybe you should ask her what's up before you start pointing fingers."

Maureen shrugged her shoulders. "I'm just going with what we know. If Rachel disappears it's most likely Roger's fault."

"Maureen!" Collins and Joanne yelled.

"What? It's the truth."

"You're one to talk, Mo. You've never fucked up before have you? You're constantly messing up." Roger was not about to let this go.

"Okay kiddies, let's calm down. I'm sure Roger hasn't done anything wrong. He's only been back for a week. Maybe Rachel's just comforting Mark, anyone think of that?" Joanne, always the voice of reason, intervened for the rocker.

"Good point, pookie. Sorry Roger." Maureen pouted and batted her eyelashes at him.

"Fine. Just think before you speak, Mo. It's not hard to do."

Maureen was about to retaliate when Collins stood up and scratched his throat. "Sorry to leave you guys but I'm meeting David at work. I'll catch you later. Roger, Maureen, behave!"

"Bye Collins!" The group waved him off and Roger and Maureen went back to picking on each other while Joanne tried to keep them under control.

* * *

Rachel sat in the living room enjoying the silence of the apartment. She'd been locked in her room for what seemed like forever, so when she overheard everyone making plans to go to The Life Café she jumped at the opportunity to sit by the window with a cup of coffee. She was looking through Mark's collection of books when she heard the door slide open.

"Collins, what are you doing here?" she asked when she saw him come in. "I thought you were all out to lunch."

"I stopped by to see how Mark was doing."

"Oh, he's about the same. Still in his room. "

Collins nodded. "And you? How are you doing?"

"I'm good." He gave her an incredulous look which made her feel guilty. She looked down at her feet so he wouldn't see her blush. "As well as can be expected."

"You're taking on a lot Rachel. Have you even mourned for Lena yet?"

"I—how do you know about Lena? I never asked you though I meant to."

Collins walked further into the living room and sat down, patting the seat next to him. "Come here, sit down. We have some talking to do."

Rachel walked over and unceremoniously plopped herself down next to him causing him to chuckle. She gave him a pointed look. "Collins, what about Lena?"

"Okay." He raised his hands up in surrender. "Lena was my friend. She and I worked together when I was at MIT. We had a falling out over something stupid. I regretted it and I missed her, but by the time I tried to find her to apologize she'd already moved on and I lost touch. Anyway, around the same time you left I heard that she had been diagnosed with HIV. It took me some time, but I found her. I had to make things right between us."

"And you found me too."

He nodded. "That was a surprise."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because you needed to be on your own, you needed your space. I didn't want to get in the way of that. Lena took some convincing, she wanted to tell you. She said you needed family because you'd gotten yourself in some trouble."

Her eyes widened. "You know about that?" He nodded again. "You can't tell anyone, especially not Mark. Promise me." She was in a panic; she'd hoped to keep that part of her life a secret.

"Calm down, baby girl. That's your story to tell. I'm glad you found Lena when you did though. That man was no good for you and I'm sorry you had to learn that the hard way."

"I wanted to start a new life." She was crying, it felt like all she did was cry. When would it end?

"I know. That's why I stayed out of it. I kept tabs on you, though. Lena stayed in touch with me. She said he landed you in the hospital and that's where you two met."

"Yes. He didn't hurt me too badly. It would have been worse if I'd gone back. She was my angel, Collins. She was so good to me, like a mom. I was so stupid, all I wanted was to get away from Roger and prove to him that I was a grown up and I jumped into a relationship with that asshole. I didn't think!" She broke down again and huddled into his arms sobbing. She didn't tell him what James had done to her that was something she didn't want anyone to know. Collins just held her tight, letting her know he was there.

"Why didn't you come when things got bad? I had to do everything on my own."

"It was all part of growing up. You wanted so badly to be a grown up. You have to know that being a grown up means learning to deal with the bad parts of life too."

"I should hate you for that." She cried.

He chuckled. "I was at the funeral. You did well. Your words were beautiful."

"Thanks." She pulled away from him and sniffled. "Please don't tell anyone about what you know."

"I won't, I promise. That's your story to tell."

"Okay."

"Rachel, she left you a lot of money. What are you planning to do with it?"

She wasn't surprised that he knew about the money. It didn't bother her that he did. "I don't know. I wanted to use it to help Mark with John but it turns out he didn't need it."

Their conversation was interrupted when the door opened and Roger stepped in. "Hey, hey anyone around?" He saw Collins and Rachel on the couch. Rachel didn't look to be doing so well. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It's okay." She stood up but only looked at Collins. "I was just going in my room to rest."

Collins took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "If you need to talk, you know where to go."

She nodded, gave him a hug and disappeared into her room. Collins turned and looked at Roger. "What's up Davis? Did you run over here to try and get some time with your lady?"

"She's not my lady and no, I didn't. Everyone left soon after you did. Mo and Joanne had something to do."

"I see."

"Mark still in his room?" Roger opened the refrigerator and pulled out a beer holding it up and offering it to Collins.

Collins turned it down. "Yup, still in there."

"What was up with you and Rachel?" Roger asked and took a swig of the beer himself.

"We were just talking, that's all."

"She seemed pretty emotional."

"Rachel's got a lot on her plate right now. She's doing the best she can." Collins didn't think he should let Roger know too much. The girl's secrets were her own and she'd asked him not to tell.

"I wish she'd talk to me."

Collins stood up and walked to where Roger stood, he put his arms around his friend's shoulders and said, "Be patient. She'll come around."


	10. Chapter 10

**As this story develops, you may notice that Roger is the only one in the group who has his head on straight. It may seem way out of character but you'll soon understand why I wrote him this way. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 10**

Rachel sat on the couch and tried to read a book. Her mind was so distracted by her worries about Mark that she found herself reading the same sentence over and over again. She hadn't seen her brother in a while, and she knew that whatever he was doing in his room couldn't be good. How would she be able to get him out of there and back to living his life? She leaned her head back and closed her eyes rubbing at her temples trying to remove the tension that lingered there.

"Hi." She opened her eyes and was completely surprised to see Roger standing in front of her. "Hi."

"Can I sit down?"

"I was just about to go." Rachel stood up and tried to walk away.

"Rachel, wait." He stepped in front of her convinced that he was going to fix this before things between them got any worse. She stopped and looked at him. "Can we call a truce? Forget about what I said on the way to the funeral, let's just start over."

"How can I forget that?"

"Okay. Don't forget it. Just put it away in storage. I'd like to be friends again if it's okay. Just friends."

She thought about it then smiled. "Only if you forget about what happened on the night of the funeral."

He smiled back at her, now they were getting somewhere. "Done. So, truce?" He extended his hand out for her to shake.

"Okay, truce." She nodded her head and shook his hand.

* * *

Mark sat in his room. He'd finally been able to go in and now there seemed to be no way out. He was lost in memories and in the comfort of John's belongings. Facing reality seemed an impossible feat. It was easier to lie on John's side of the bed and take in his scent, or what was left of it.

He was alone, back to where he'd started and he didn't know what to do with himself anymore. His life had lost meaning. So he just lay there and let the time pass by.

* * *

Rachel and Roger sat on the couch. She was reading her book while he strummed on his guitar.

"I'm worried about Mark. I think I should go check on him." Rachel finally decided to voice her concern.

"He'll be fine. He's just collecting himself." Roger reassured her.

"He's been collecting himself for a week now. We don't even know if he's alive in there."

"Has it been that long? Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No. I'll do it, thanks."

Truth be told, she needed some space from him. They'd been sitting side by side for almost two hours and it was getting to be too much. He nodded and watched as she walked to Mark's room and knocked. He couldn't shake the feeling of triumph. She'd sat next to him and not run away.

* * *

"Mark?" Rachel knocked on her brother's door. "Marky, you alive in there? Can I come in?"

Mark rolled over on the bed and turned the lamp on. "Yeah, come in Rache."

Rachel walked in and saw her brother lying on John's side of the bed. She didn't know what to say to him so she sat down on the bed instead. "Hey."

"Hey."

"You haven't come out in a while. We're worried about you. Have you been eating?"

"I want to be by myself. I go out there when no one's around. I'm eating, it's okay."

"Marky." She sounded sad and he didn't like it.

"I'm okay, Rachel, really. I just want some time to adjust. I've been going through his things, remembering."

She looked at him, took in his appearance. He looked paler and much thinner and so sad. "Wouldn't it be better to be around people right now?" It had been better for her after Lena died. That was why she'd come here.

Mark shook his head. "Give me a little while longer. I'll be out soon, I promise."

She nodded and stood up. "I love you." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and got up to leave.

He gave her a weak smile. "Love you too."

Why couldn't they just let him mourn? It had only been two weeks. He couldn't pretend to be okay when he wasn't.

* * *

Roger was still strumming his guitar when she stepped back into the living room. She tried to walk by him and into her room but his words stopped her.

"How is he?"

She turned and looked at him. "I don't know. Not good. But isn't that normal? He says he'll come out when he's ready."

Roger nodded. "Then he'll come out when he's ready. Mark's strong, Rache. He's been through a lot. He can make it through this."

"I guess you're right. I just can't help worrying."

"Going in your room won't help that. Come here, sit down and hang out." He saw her hesitate looking from him to her room. "Oh come on, Rache, have a seat, relax."

She gave up her inner battle and sat down next to him. "There, was that so hard?" he asked a playful smile on his face.

"Shut up, Roger."

"There she is." He laughed out then went back to playing his guitar.

She grabbed her book and went back to reading while enjoying his music.

"Look who finally came out of her room."

Rachel and Roger were interrupted an hour later by Maureen barging in through the door. She smiled widely and wondered if they realized that she'd seen the way they were sitting together. Rachel was leaning her head on Roger's shoulder, her legs stretched out across the couch while Roger toyed with his guitar. The minute Rachel saw her she shifted her position so that she was sitting straight on the couch with her feet on the ground.

"Ever heard of knocking Mo?" Roger asked her, annoyed that Rachel had felt forced to move away from him.

"Why should I? I used to live here."

"The key word being 'used'. You should have a little respect for other people's privacy."

"Oh come on Rog, nothing private ever goes on in here anymore. Get over yourself." She walked over to the chair across the couch, plopped down on it and crossrf her legs once she was settled. "So, what's going on here?" She signaled between the two of them with her finger.

"Nothing. What's going on with you?" Roger thought it best to skirt over Maureen's not so subtle implications

"We got out of rehearsal early so I thought I'd stop by and check on Marky."

"He's not coming out of his room." Rachel said.

"I can fix that." Maureen stood up off the couch and made to go into Mark's room but Roger quickly put his guitar down and grabbed her hand.

"Stop right there Maureen."

"What?" I'm going to go cheer him up."

"I think he'd rather be alone right now." Roger insisted.

"So what are we going to do then?" Maureen threw her hands up in the air and sat back down. "I have all afternoon off."

"I don't know, hang out with Joanne?" Roger suggested.

"She's stuck working on a case all night." Maureen folded her arms over her chest and pouted.

"So call Collins." Roger rolled his eyes at her dramatics.

"I know!" she said excitedly. "Let's go out."

"What? Maureen, no." Roger was not about to go out when he could stay in with Rachel instead.

"I think that's a good idea."

"What?" Roger and Maureen looked at Rachel in shock.

"What? I could use some unwinding." She really did need a night out to forget everything that was weighing on her.

"Okay then. Let's go!" Maureen gave a little jump and clapped her hands.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The six of them walked down the street holding their jackets closed against the cold. It was late and the street lights illuminated the atmosphere. The group didn't seem to mind the cold as they joked and laughed all the way to the bar. At Maureen's suggestion they had called Collins and David and forced Joanne out of the office for a little fun. Rachel and Roger slowed down and let the rest of the group walk ahead of them while they trailed behind.

"Are you sure you're up for this?" Roger asked her.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"'

He shrugged. "I don't know. You're not much of a drinker."

"You don't know that. What you do know is that I _didn't_ used to be much of a drinker."

Roger nodded and tried not to roll his eyes. She was working pretty hard to prove how different she'd become. "Right. I was just thinking of the other night."

Her hand went up and stopped him. "We're pretending that didn't happen remember?"

"You're right. We did."

"Okay, so let's go!" She took his hand and dragged him to meet up with their friends who were already walking into the bar.

* * *

As soon as they sat down, Collins bought the first round. The six friends lined up by the bar some of them standing and others sitting on the few barstools that were available. After a while Collins and David went out into the crowd to say hi to some other friends who were there. Roger had made sure to get Rachel a stool to sit on, and now he stood behind her with his drink in hand. He watched as she laughed along with the girls and couldn't help staring at her. She looked so beautiful with her hair down and that smile on her face. The beer she was drinking had brought a blush to her cheek and she looked happier than he'd seen her since she'd come back.

After his third drink he leant in toward Rachel so that he was looking right at her and could smell her perfume. It was still the same; he'd missed the way she smelled. He was tempted to kiss her and so he spoke hurriedly before he could give into the urge. "I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"Okay." She said, unable to hold back a goofy smile and feeling her stomach flip at his proximity. "See you in a few."

Roger left with a feeling of giddiness and a skip to his step. Maybe going out had been a good idea after all.

"Hey guys can I ask you something?" Rachel looked at Maureen and Joanne and decided this was the best time to talk to them about something that had been bothering her since the day she'd come back. The fact that they hadn't spent much time with John and Mark toward the end had been nagging at her and she couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Sure, Rache, what's up?" Joanne asked.

"Why didn't you guys visit Mark more often when John got sick?"

Maureen looked at Joanne and then they both looked at Rachel. "We were busy, but we stopped by whenever we could." Maureen did her best to explain the situation although she knew that they could have visited more often.

"But you guys didn't even know how bad it was when Mark brought him home. Did you even care?"

Maureen opened her mouth to argue, but Joanne placed her hand over hers to hold her back. "We didn't spend as much time with them as we should have. We know that now. We didn't make the right choices and we owe Mark an apology."

Rachel felt a wave of sadness come over her, she didn't like the way they'd left her brother to deal with John's illness on his own. It was all too close to her own experience, and she didn't like the way that made her feel. "You guys say you're their friends but you weren't there for them when they needed you the most."

"Neither were you." Joanne gave Maureen a death glare. "What?" she asked. "She's accusing us of being shitty friends but she's a shittier sister."

"You don't know what you're talking about, Maureen. I came as soon as I heard."

"After you disappeared without a trace. You made Mark think you were dead, we all thought it. Don't talk to us about being good friends. Why don't you take a good look in the mirror before you accuse people of being shitty?" Maureen had stood up and was now in Rachel's face. Joanne could only stare in shock at sudden turn of events.

Rachel stood up from the barstool and met Maureen's stare. "You are the most selfish person I've ever met. All you cared about was how John's death was uncomfortable for you to deal with."

"What's going on here?" Roger had come out of the bathroom, seen the confrontation and run right over to the girls.

"I'm just telling Maureen what I think of her and her idea of friendship." Rachel explained, her eyes not moving away from the brunette.

"Okay." Roger looked at Maureen then at Joanne and with that one look Joanne knew exactly what to do.

"Hey honey bear, why don't we give Roger and Rachel a minute?"

"Why? Rachel's a big girl, I think she can handle herself."

"Maureen." Joanne's tone was firm but her touch on her girlfriend's arm was gentle.

"Yeah, okay. You'd better set her straight, Roger. This girl can't handle her liquor."

Rachel turned to Roger and frowned. "Don't get in the middle of this."

"I think we should go for a walk, get some fresh air." He took her hand and pulled her toward the door. He could feel her trying to resist but not hard enough that he couldn't still pull.

"Why are you pulling me out here?" she asked once they were outside.

"I think you could use the fresh air, that's all."

"I'm not drunk," she told him.

"I didn't say you were."

"I told them the truth, I spoke my mind. That doesn't make me drunk. They were assholes to Mark and you know it. They left him to deal with John alone."

"That's not fair, Rachel. Everyone deals with illness and death differently and God knows they've been through it enough. We've all seen it too much. They did what they could, they were afraid."

"Yeah well, you shouldn't talk. You were an asshole too."

"What?"

"You ran away. You left when Mark needed you the most, but I don't know why I was surprised. That's just what you do."

"You don't know what you're talking about. Let's just go home." He took her by the arm and tried to walk her toward the apartment.

She pulled her arm away roughly, her eyes wide. "Don't touch me!" Then backed away from him.

He saw that she was scared. "Rachel, did I hurt you? I didn't mean—"

She shook her head, closed her eyes and tried to get her bearings back. "No, no, no." She put her hands to her head and took a deep breath, not wanting her panic to take control of her. "Let's talk about this. Don't change the subject. You keep trying to fix things between us, but how can they get fixed if you keep treating my brother like shit."

"Rachel—" Her behavior had him worried. Why had she been scared? He'd never done anything to hurt her before, not physically…

"He's your best friend, but you aren't a very good to him are you?"

"I was in rehab!" He realized he wasn't going to get anything out of her and she was not going to stop until he told her the truth.

"What?" she asked in a whisper.

"I was trying to get a handle on myself so I could be strong for him."

Her hands went over her mouth then back down. "I'm a bitch."

"No, you're not. You didn't know and you assumed that I did what I always do."

"Maybe I should go home."

He followed her as she made her way back to the loft. "I need to make some apologies," she told him as they walked into the loft. He nodded. "I'm sorry Roger. I judged you without knowing the whole story."

He took her hand. "Something's up with you." He saw the way her eyes widened and rubbed his thumb over her hand to try and calm her down. "I won't push you to tell me, I hope you know that, but I don't like the way you reacted when I grabbed your arm before. I just hope that we can get to the point where you can talk to me again and if you can't I hope you find someone else to talk to. You're holding too much in, Rache."

She stared at him, unable to say anything and allowed him to lean into her and kiss her cheek. "Good night. Get some sleep."

She stood in the living room and stared. Maybe he was right. It was getting harder and harder to keep it together and she didn't know how long she'd be able to keep it all in.

* * *

Rachel lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. There was no way she could sleep. How could she have been such a bitch? Poor Maureen and Joanne, she owed them a huge apology. Maybe a big box of chocolates to go along with it. She covered her face in shame when she remembered what she'd accused them of. What a hypocrite she'd been. And Roger, he'd been in rehab and she'd thought the worst of him. Maybe he wasn't as irresponsible as she thought after all. But then he'd gotten back into heroin after she left, so what did it matter that he was strong enough to resist this time, what about next time? She couldn't let her guard down. Who knew what he'd do to her if he was on drugs? One abusive boyfriend was enough for a lifetime. Her hand moved to the side of her stomach and felt the scar he'd left there, no she wasn't going to relive that part of her life ever again.

What was she going to do about Roger? He was trying to get closer to her, maybe he'd been telling the truth and he really was in love with her. What did it matter though? There was no way she was in any way ready to love him back. She didn't think she could ever love anyone again. Every time she let herself love someone, bad things happened. Her heart still ached for Lena and every time she thought about James she felt so much anger. Why did he get to be alive while gentle, kind and loving Lena was dead? She punched the mattress in anger. There was no way she would be getting any sleep tonight. She might as well get up and get some warm milk.

When she stepped out onto the living room she saw Mark. He was sitting by the window, the moonlight reflected on his face making him look almost ghostly.

"Mark, are you okay?"

He looked surprised to see her but nodded. "Couldn't sleep. What about you?"

"Same." She walked over and sat down next to him.

"It hurts Rache," he told her. His voice sounded so small and defeated it made her want to cry.

"I know. It's going to hurt for some time."

"It's worse than losing the others. It hurt to lose April and Mimi and especially Angel but this, my heart feels like it's been torn apart."

"Try to think of it this way, it can only get better from here." She found it hard to believe her own words.

"Yeah."

She took his hand and squeezed. "It will get better, I promise. It has to."

Rachel forgot about her warm milk and sat with her brother, comforting him with her presence until the sun came up.


End file.
